Herman Cain, campaigning on the platform of double-pepperoni Tuesdays
Does anybody really like presidential campaigns that last a year and a half? Does anybody really care to follow countless more GOP debates, caucuses, primaries, etc.? Let’s settle this in one fell swoop. I propose a winner-take-all GOP debate. Anne Coulter will moderate. She’s bigoted, hateful, anti-intellectual…in other words, everything the GOP stands for. Coulter will ask questions of the candidates, and after each question, eliminate the candidate with the most inappropriate response. I imagine the debate would go something like this…(Note that all material in bold is an actual candidate quote, or relevant fact. God that’s pathetic to say).
Anne Coulter: I welcome the candidates to the final debate to decide who will represent the GOP in the 2012 presidential race against Barrack Hussein Obama. I will ask questions regarding the topics of greatest concern to this great nation, and in each turn, eliminate the candidate of my choosing. I love to engage in repartee with people who are stupider than I am, and god knows you all qualify on that front. Candidates, your first question is…what should be done with ObamaCare?
Rick Perry: Obama is hell-bent on socialism, and ObamaCare is the most obvious example of his evil socialist agenda. I’d either terminate it, or terminate him. That’s the Texas way.
Michelle Bachmann: Obamacare is the crown jewel of socialism. I am committed to not resting until Obamacare is finally repealed.
Herman Cain: I will not rest until every man, woman, and child in the U.S. has a pizza on every table.
Anne Coulter: Candidates, please try to stay on topic…
Mitt Romney: As governor of Massachusetts, I ushered in comprehensive health care to cover the poor and the needy. It was a state solution to a state problem. ObamaCare is a powergrab by the Federal government, and…
Anne Coulter: Wait a minute, did I hear you correctly, Mr. Romney? You passed a bill in Massachusetts that uses the taxes of the rich to cover health care for the poor and needy? YOU sir are a socialist pig, and are the first candidate eliminated.
Romney slowly walks away…
Anne Coulter: For our next question….God gave us the earth. God said Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It’s yours. What do you say to liberal tree-huggers who insist we protect the Earth’s resources?
Rick Perry: God is angry with America. The Gulf oil spill was an act of God, designed to punish America for straying from Christianity.
Rick Santorum: I’m damned proud to have received a perfect score of 0% on the environmental scorecard from the League of Conservation Voters for my consistent anti-environmental views.
Herman Cain: My favorite pizza at Godfathers was the baby seal, with extra seal.
Newt Gingrich: I believe the EPA should be replaced with a new, business-friendly Environmental Solutions Agency.
Anne Coulter: Mr. Gingrich, so you’re implying that businesses do cause environmental problems that require solutions? You sir, are OUT.
Gingrich walks away muttering…
Anne Coulter: For our next question…Candidates, I personally believe the government should be spying on all Arabs, engaging in torture as a televised spectator sport, and dropping daisy cutters wantonly throughout the Middle East. We should invade them, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity. What do you say to those bleeding heart liberals who call for religious tolerance?
Michelle Bachmann: Not all cultures are created equal. This really is the number one issue for our country right now, how we are going to deal with this threat of radical Islam. If it takes daisy cutters to equal the score for 9/11, then so be it.
Herman Cain: I was once asked if my pizza products used the unholy flesh of a pig. Cain snickers. I’ll tell you what, after that, EVERY pizza I sold used pork, whether someone wanted it or not!!
Rick Santorum: The right to privacy doesn’t exist in my opinion in the U.S. constitution. Everyone in the U.S. should be forced to pass a test on Christianity, and if they don’t pass, we ship ‘em to the Middle East.
Ron Paul: The founding fathers envisioned a robustly Christian yet religiously tolerant America, with churches serving as vital institutions that would eclipse the state in importance.
Rick Perry: I was called upon personally by God to run for president. Rick Perry, white Christian male. God wouldn’t have called me if he wouldn’t have wanted a Christian to run America.
Jon Huntsman: As one who comes from a Mormon background, my views are…
Anne Coulter interrupts: “Thank you for your time Mr. Huntsman, you are eliminated. For our next question, how would your respond to those on the left who insist that the climate is changing, and that human beings are the cause of it?
Ron Paul: The greatest hoax I think that has been around for many, many years, if not hundreds of years, has been this hoax on global warming.
Michelle Bachmann: Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn’t one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.
Herman Cain: I’m against global warming. It makes the cheese too runny on my pizza.
Rick Perry: Global warming is all one contrived phony mess that is falling apart under its own weight. Who are you going to believe? Me, or climate scientists? I put together a 1.9 GPA at Texas A&M!
Rick Santorum: Climate change theories are nothing more than junk science.
Anne Coulter: The words “Science” and “Climate Change” should NOT be used in the same sentence, Mr. Santorum. You are eliminated. For our next question…Despite Constitutional guarantees for equality, do you agree that marriage should only be between a man and a woman? And preferably, only between a white, Christian man and a white, Christian woman?
Michelle Bachmann: Gay marriage is probably the biggest issue that will impact our state and our nation in the last, at least, thirty years.
Anne Coulter: Mz. Bachmann, I thought you said radical Islam was the biggest issue facing our Nation.
Michelle Bachmann: I stand corrected. The biggest issue facing our Nation are gay radical Islamists getting married.
Herman Cain: Do you know the signs on restaurants that say no shoes, no shirt, no service? On MY pizza stores, it also says no gays. Homosexuality is a sin and a choice.
Rick Perry: New York’s decision to allow gay marriage is fine by me. Wait a minute, can I change my answer? What I meant to say is that I support a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage.
Ron Paul: I believe that recognizing same-sex marriage at the federal level would be an act of social engineering profoundly hostile to liberty. However, I am supportive of all voluntary associations and people can call it whatever they want.
Anne Coulter: Mr. Paul, it is not enough to restrict their legal rights. We need to humiliate them both publically and privately. Mr. Perry, New York will be punished by God for their decision to legalize gay marriage. Mr. Paul, Mr. Perry….You have BOTH been eliminated.
Bachmann and Cain glance excitedly at each other…
Anne Coulter: Mz. Bachmann! Mr. Cain!! Congratulations, you are the last two standing, and are clearly the most qualified of the GOP candidates. Mz. Bachmann, rarely have I heard more radical, conservative views! Mr. Cain, rarely have I come across a candidate with so little to offer! My congratulations to you both for representing the best the GOP has to offer. Now, for the final, deciding question. The economy is tanking, and unemployment is the major issue in the minds of most voters. How would you address it?
Michelle Bachmann: If we took away the minimum wage, if conceivably it was gone, we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level. Hiring folks at $2.50 an hour will immediately lower the Nation’s unemployment rate.
Herman Cain: Three words. Double….pepperoni….Tuesdays. If elected president, I will immediately announce Double-Pepperoni-Tuesdays, thereby stretching the food dollar of the typical American worker. A fed American is a happy American.
Anne Coulter: Sir…Madam…may I say that it has been an honor to host, and referee, this final GOP debate. My decision has been made.
Nervous tension fills the auditorium…
Anne Coulter: Congratulations Mr. Cain, YOU are the next Republican candidate for the Presidency of the United States!! Mz. Bachmann, there’s no doubt that you’re bat&hit crazy, and that definitely worked in your favor in this debate. But it’s the swing voters we need to convince in this election. The swing voters–I like to refer to them as the idiot voters because they don’t have set philosophical principles. You’re either a liberal or you’re a conservative if you have an IQ above a toaster. And if we’re going to target the swing voters, we’re going to hit them where it counts…their stomachs.
Double-pepperoni-Tuesdays, here we come!!