America today continues to be gripped by the riveting story of Muffin-Gate. In September, the Justice Department’s inspector general reported that an audit had revealed department officials had paid $16 per muffin at a Hilton during an official meeting. The news sparked outrage from the public, the media, and the Justice Department itself, with accusations of government waste. Muffin-Gate 2011 continues the shocking string of muffin-related bombshells that have rocked the political world in recent months.
It was just three months ago that First Lady and noted child nutrition advocate Michelle Obama was spotted at a D.C. area gourmet-muffin store. Photos of the First Lady with a cream cheese mustache were splashed across the front pages of newspapers across the country, and an embarrassed Michelle Obama was forced to publicly admit that not only did she enjoy the king-sized sugary treats, but that she herself had gained weight and was sporting her own muffin-top. The resulting outrage over Mrs. Obama’s nutritional hypocrisy led to a 35% drop in muffin sales nationwide.
The $28 billion muffin industry took another hit back in May after the Tea Party attempted to incorporate a muffin theme into the movement’s political agenda. The idea blossomed when a member of Michelle Bachmann’s crack campaign staff watched a Seinfeld episode which featured the character Elaine eating only the delectable muffin tops, and discarding the bottoms. Bachmann and Tea Party leaders adopted the “split muffin” as a symbol of government waste, claiming inefficient government expenditures were akin to throwing away the bottom half of the muffins. Bachmann’s popularity initially surged as her now infamous muffin-themed campaign ads resonated with voters. Bachmann’s short stint at the top of the polls abruptly ended when it was revealed that the “gay conversion” therapy clinic run by Bachmann and her husband had been purchasing and serving cheap muffin bottom leftovers from the local homeless shelter.
The latest episode of muffin-gate 2011 was partially defused today as the Justice Department’s inspector general announced that it had made a mistake when it had reported the department had paid $16 apiece for muffins. In reality, the $16 fee charged by Hilton was to provide a complete continental breakfast for government participants at the meeting. The actual price of the muffin component of the breakfast remains a mystery, however, leading House leaders John Boehner and Eric Cantor to announce the formation of an official inquiry into government muffin prices. Rep. Peter King (R – N.Y.), chairman of congressional hearings into “Islam radicalization”, was named to lead the inquiry into muffin prices. “The high prices charged for government muffins are indicative of a much deeper problem”, stated King. “Why should good American muffins be so expensive? Muffin prices were never an issue…until 9-11.” King’s Muffin Panel has scheduled its initial hearing for next week, with most of the subpoenaed speakers representing the Muslim Muffin coalition.
GOP presidential hopefuls were uncharacteristically unanimous in their support of the Muffin Panel hearings. “Muffin prices were never an issue under Reagan”, said Newt Gingrich, “or under Bush. Muffin prices have always been higher when Democrats are in charge.” Texas Governor Rick Perry dismissed Democratic claims that muffin prices are simply reflective of the overall economy. “I don’t believe in that economic voodoo,” said Perry. “Muffin prices are God’s way of punishing us for believing in that dad-gum climate change mumbo-jumbo.” Herman Cain has responded to Muffin-Gate by making muffin prices a key component of his economic plan. “Under Herman Cain, no government employee will ever pay more than $9.99 for a muffin”.